Out of hell and back on Earth

MANY days of MC
6 days straight of not showering, washing my face, brushing my teeth and taking a crap
5 suicidal thoughts
4 weeks of depression
3 months in hell
2 great friends made
1 moron on my hate list
0 cigarettes smoked

As you might have guessed, I managed to survive hell and get out of it. I really don’t know how I did it but I know for sure that I couldn’t have done it without the many words of encouragement from my family and friends.

I have to say that my stay in hell has been crazy. I’ve never felt so desperate, stressed, suicidal, sick, emotionally unstable, depressed, and home sick in my life and all of that at the same time. But all of these negative feelings have made me appreciate the many things that I used to take for granted and that’s one thing that I’m very happy with, learning to appreciate every little thing in life.

But one thing that I’ve learnt to treasure much more now is freedom. It might not occur to you but your freedom comes at the price of another person’s freedom. You might not understand it but once you’re in my shoes I’m sure you will get it.

Despite learning to appreciate many things in life much more and growing up, I don’t like the person that I’ve turned into. I don’t recognise myself anymore and I hope that being out of hell will allow me to change back into the person I used to be.

I have to thank Justin and Nicholas for always being there for me. I really don’t know how I’d have gotten through hell without them. It’s just too bad we never got to take a picture together.

Hope

I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel at last. It's been long enough and I can't wait for this journey to be over. It feels like just a matter of hours before everything's over. I think this feeling is called hope; something I haven't felt in a long while.

Thanks for you positive messages everybody. It helped to keep me going and it also showed who bothered enough to care abou me. I can't wait to come out and celebrate with you guys! I'll be coming out of hell real soon.

"what the hell was I thinking?!"

My mood has been getting better recently but it’s still really difficult to live in this state. I’ve started counselling and I’m told that what I say is “uncommon” which can actually be interpreted as “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you as well”.

I’ve also been really busy recently; I sometimes feel like I’m being shoved from one place to another and before I can sink into my chair and get comfy for a while I have to be at some other place again like I suddenly won the Oscar for Best Actor and I still have another 18,000 interviews left to do and although it’s good that it helps to keep my mind busy I just feel like what I really need is a break but like no one seems to understand that.

I think my brain’s been overworked to the point where I can’t make any proper decisions for myself and longer. Proof of that would be that I’ve signed my life away and later on I go “what the hell was I thinking?!” and I had actually decided that I WASN’T going to do it. Now I have to try to do some serious damage control by doing more damage – yes, believe it or not that’s the only way I know of that could solve my stupid mistake – and I would probably end up back in square 1 again.

I’m just so thankful that my much needed weekend is here. I’ve got to celebrate my grandmother’s birthday later and I don’t know what to expect.

I still feel like SHIT

I’m feeling very feverish today but my temperature seems pretty normal. I think right now my body is just following my mind into the deep shithole I don’t know how to get out of.

Freedom is only 10 days away but at the rate I’m going, I don’t think I’ll be able to make it through those 10 days. I don’t have a good feeling about my remaining days in hell – like duh! It’s hell for that reason – and I’m really uncertain about what’s gonna happen after that but I think right now, I shouldn’t be bothering about that because I’ve got other stuff to deal with.

The trip to Phuket is cancelled so I guess I won’t be able to “find myself” but Bankok still got the green light so hopefully that can help. All I got to do is live long enough till then because at the rate I’m going, I don’t think I need to kill myself; I’ll probably die on my own.

I feel like SHIT

I’m going through a really unhappy phase of my life right now. It all started last Monday when I woke up feeling as if someone close to me had died. Some of you might have gotten my message asking if everything was alright. If you didn’t understand why I asked such a question, now you know.

So since that day I’ve been feeling like shit every day. I cry for no reason at all, my thoughts are constantly negative, it takes so much effort just concentrating on something that others may find effortless, I’m losing my appetite, having troubles sleeping; basically my life is on a downward spiral.

So on Tuesday (this Tuesday) I finally got to see a doctor about it and I was given 3 days of MC. I’ve spent those 3 days well, doing things that I’d call “happy things” and hanging out with close friends and my family but whenever all of that ends, I just go back to square one and my world is back to being grey.

I really hope that things get better and that I don’t decide to kill myself like hang myself from a tree or something. But even if that does happen, just be happy for me that I’m no long feeling like shit on a daily basis.

New MP3!

I've finally bought a new MP3 player today! I initially had decided on this: http://www.sony.com.sg/product/nwz-s739f but I still kindda wanted http://www.sony.com.sg/product/nwz-a829 for its Bluetooth functions but due to the price difference, I decided to take the former instead and Bluetooth wasn't a must for me; it would just be more convenient to transfer files.

So I headed to Sony today and, lucky me, the latter was going for only $299! $100 cheaper than the other model and $160 cheaper than its normal price. Both model are pretty much on par (or at least I think so) so I just made things easy for myself and went for the cheaper one. And the other good thing about Bluetooth is that I'll be able to use wireless earphones.

But too bad I can't use it so soon. The initial charge is 8 hours and I don't have time to wait for it to charge that long so I've got to stick with the shitty Samsung one for this week.

I like change

After having the same sofa set for over (at least) the past 20 years of my life, we've finally placed an order for a new sofa. I don't know why but my father thinks that the current one is in close to perfect condition and is extremely attached to it which is why it has been in my family since Mother Mary got pregnant.

But one problem about shopping with my father is that he doesn't do any discussion with you so what he intends to get is always different from what everyone else has agreed on, whether he was included in the discussion or not. That simpleton was looking for any other ugly sofa to replace the 3 seater we have and he still wanted to keep the 2 1-seater armchairs. Imagine it as a suit that comes in a set. It's plain and black but now the blazer is screwed up. Instead of getting a new set, he chooses to replace the blazer with a striped brown one and that is his idea of matching furniture (or anything in the world actually).

So we had to do things the usual way and leave him out of the decision making process and take it into our own hands. And of course, with my good taste, we ended up with a decent looking sofa with good coloured covers thanks to my good taste again.

I think it's time I start planning on getting rid of the coffee table...